Weekly Update # 10

I have a mental exercise I like to do.

I don’t usually have an internal monologue, but when I do it’s generally just a voice telling me that I’m actually quite bad at everything I do. That I should just quit because I’ll never be any good. That the people around me are just humoring me or blinded by their (misplaced) love for me and I’m terrible at everything. That I don’t deserve those people. That I don’t deserve to be happy. That I should just… give up.

So I imagine that that voice looks like me. But made of all the wriggly, disgusting bits of the world. An archon of all the filth in my mind composed of snakes and centipedes and scorpions and spiders that writhe together in a mass that looks like me, but isn’t me.

Then I grab it by the throat and drown it in a pool of water that happens to be nearby. It kicks and screams. Thrashes and flails. Tells me that I can’t be anything without it. That it is me. That I’m nothing.

And I smile because I know it’s lying.

I know that I’m capable of doing whatever I put my mind to. Then, when it finally stops thrashing and making a mess, when it’s last, pathetic flop of spastic resistance finally comes to a trembling end, I stand up and I dust my hands off, and I move on with my life.

It’ll be back, but there’s always plenty of water lying around.